Being Evie

A few months ago I read my umpteenth help book on how to parent a teenager. It was titled “being 14” and focussed specifically on Australian 14 year old girls and all the trials and tribulations of their lives. Like many of the books, podcasts, articles and psychology sessions I have consumed to help me navigate this precipitous stage of parenting, I learned some valuable snippets of advice that I have tried to introduce in real time. But something else entirely unique occurred to me when I was reading this book. The  author was describing what “being 14” is like for a teenage girl in today’s world. Whilst I related to what she described, it struck me that you are not simply ‘being 14’, but rather you are ‘being Evie’.

You have ‘been Evie’ since you adamantly refused to turn from your posterior position in the womb and caused me intense physical pain wrapped up in the life-changing joy of welcoming my first child into the world. And you continue to ‘be Evie’ as you do your world and live your life stubbornly exactly how you see fit, causing me intense emotional pain wrapped up in the exuberant awe and pride at witnessing you become a confident, intelligent young woman.

I have realised that the process of adolescence is going to be back and forth for many years. Some days I am amazed at your maturity, thoughtfulness and integrity, yet others day I am dumbfounded by your excessive self-indulgence and expectations for others to conform to your every whim and desire. I won’t lie, it’s been a  tough year, and I expect the next few years will be even tougher. But I also know that eventually most glasses turn rose-coloured, even if you have to wipe the tears off them first.

These blog posts are not designed to be filled with platitudes of saccharin-sweet gratitudes for a perfect daughter or a perfect mum, nor is the purpose to only record life’s highlights. The truth is that nobody can live in a constant state of present gratitude for anything in life, even your children, no matter how much you love them.  I know the way you push me away is completely normal and the process you need to go through to determine your own sense of self identity and place in this world. But Jeez, it can be bloody hard to keep showing up each day, pushing against your strong current to form a deep connection with you when my heart and soul is constantly battered by your harsh words and careless gestures.

They talk about the seasons of parenting and I have gone through so many patterns of parenting weather since the wild day when 2.65kg of you arrived, a little bit squashed and squalling. In those early seasons I knew, every minute of every day, exactly where you were, with who, what you were wearing, eating and even how often you had a bowel movement! Now things couldn’t be more different. You travel to and from Chadstone on a bus by yourself and sometimes don’t even inform me or your dad of your whereabouts (TG for Life 360). You have friends I have never met and you go to “gaths” where my mind is left to imagine what experiences you are encountering….. is there any alcohol (I like to think not yet), have you kissed a boy or tried to flirt with someone and are you feeling ok and confident within yourself and your social circles?

In this season of my parenting career, you get horribly sunburnt, despite me begging you to wear sunscreen and not use that awful tanning oil. You hide in your bedroom most of the day, shouting at me to get out even before I have tentatively knocked on your door. You communicate mostly via text messages and stay up way later than me at night. You make your own plans, steal purchase your own cosmetics and you walk the streets of Glenferrie for hours with your friends.

If these sound like not so innocent steps towards independence, they are, albeit with a helluva lot of dangerous boundary pushing. The point is, you now have plenty of experiences that don’t involve me. There’s an ever-growing list of things that happen in your world that I don’t witness, sanction, or know anything about. I am only recounting stories that I know about. These annual  birthday blog posts are becoming more difficult to write and taking me more time to translate my feelings into words. They are becoming more personal and private, filled with some hard memories from the past 12 months. When you were little I could simply record your favourite colour and your best friend’s name. Now I know you won’t even answer all the birthday interview questions, and if you do it’s probably just to appease me.

This is a very new parenting season, one that can be pretty low on highlights. You are no longer an open book to me, but more of a locked diary I occasionally get granted access to. Your life is expanding and I am slowly fading from a main character role. It hurts. It makes me angry more often. than I like. It breaks my heart some days and pumps it up with pride on others. It’s sad and exhilarating and challenging and wonderful. It’s exactly how it should be.

But whilst the hands of time have marched on, I keep persisting to record the bygone days. For ever memory and moment that occurred over the past year was exactly what was meant to happen in your world. It’s your journey and path, with all the dangerous hazards and positive discoveries along the way. Collecting these memories is the biggest ‘I love you’ that I can give and believe me Evie, there is nothing in this world I want to do more than love you. And when you look back on this birthday post one day, I hope you remember my love and undying commitment to let you be the Evie you are meant to be, every single perfect part of you.

A growing sense of independance

Soon after you turned 13 you caught a bus and tram home from dancing. I asked you to text me when you were at Wattletree road waiting for the tram. A long time went by and eventually I got a call asking me to pick you up from Balaclava Rd as you had decided to take a different tram to go get a Green Cup smoothie, and simply expected me to pick you up. I explained that you  can choose where and when you go as your independence increases, but there needs to be a degree of self-responsibility that comes with that.

A punching bag called mum

It’s bloody hard being a punching bag and accepting this role, especially when the punches have got nothing to do with anything I did! Like the time your phone stopped working (charging port was bent from overuse) and of course it was my fault.

School is cool….unless your science teacher is Carol

You have been born lucky with a great set of brain cells and high intelligence, plus you are pretty dedicated and keen to do well when you like your school subjects, such as Math and English. But unfortunately if you have a teacher that rubs you up the wrong way, you will go out of your way to sabotage your learning opportunities. This has happened countless times this year with your science teacher Carol. From using your phone multiple times during the lessons, to failing (pretty badly) various tests as you simply did no revision and being accused of cheating during a test, it has been a shocking year of science. The fact that you responded to the question “what type of microscope would be used here?” (for a magnified fly’s eye with “not one we used in class” is the absolute epitome of chutzpah!

This has been particularly difficult for dad and I to see unfold and we have tried numerous unsuccessful strategies to help you turn things around. I hope with your intelligence and a better teacher next year (I have requested that you don’t have Carol as a teacher next year – first time ever I have made such a request), you will rekindle your love and aptitude for science.

But what I hope even more so is that you learn skills to engage with the ‘Carols’ of this world. For you are going to encounter many more teachers like her, as well as bosses, work colleagues, acquaintances and other people who you will have to interact with, whether you like it or not. It’s important to hone your people skills and realise that if you treat people with disrespect or contempt it can backfire on you. I know you are at a stage of your life now where everything is always someone else’s fault, but the victim mentality will not get you very far. I hope with time you can appreciate being corrected or given constructive criticism without being offended, for humility is the foundation of real personal growth. And the other important skill is learning how to tell someone to ‘f-off with a smile’ so you get what you want, even if you don’t like them very much.

“I never said / did that”

Teenager lies are quite something! Often dad and I land up laughing at what you say as it is so blatantly untrue that it’s just funny. A few examples come to mind such as when Jake’s table tennis set just happened to find its way into the backpack you took on school camp but you insisted never put it there, or that the mobile charger that lives in our kitchen is never removed by you, yet somehow I know to look for it in your bedroom and miraculously I find it there every time. Just recently I took you back to the orthodontist as you are not wearing your retainer at all and therefore it is likely that your teeth will all move post braces (there goes $11,000 down the drain) and without batting an eye lid you looked the orthodontic in the face and insisted you wear your retainer every single night!

Concerningly, some of your lies this past year have had some more serious implications. Part of me is reluctant to even record these on the internet, for whilst this site is private and unlisted, I will do everything I can to protect you from the greater world. Yet at the same time I need to record this, For some of your behaviours have been really disconcerting and have kept me up for hours at night. This year you were caught shop lifting with your friend Zarah at the Brandy Melville store on Chapel street and dad got a call from the store manager. We thought we implemented appropriate consequences (grounding you for the weekend) and you did seem very remorseful. Unfortunately, the stealing did not stop there and we have tried to deal with this in a multitude of ways (punishment, talking about it, making you go for therapy). It has been one of the hardest things to deal with as a parent and made me question everything I know and believe. I know you have a strong moral compass within you but my fear is that this will be normal behaviour for you that will continue into your adult life. You see, it’s not only the stealing from shops which you have normalised and justified by saying it doesn’t make a difference to a big company like Coles (stealing beauty products) or pretending you purchased it with your own money (we have access to your account so we know when there is no transaction). But it’s also similar negative behaviours such as cheating, which you were caught doing on a science test this year. And that’s my grave fear, that there are numerous examples of these dishonest behaviours that in so many ways go against the true essence of the Evie that I know. I am not putting you on a pedestal thinking you are perfect, but I believe that you know (and agree with) the basic principles of right and wrong. You understand what is just and unjust in this world and I pray to Hashem all the time that you will be guided through this stage of your life and always choose honesty.

There have been some really low moments for me this past year relating to your dishonesty. A few months ago, after the Brandy Melville incident and after finding countless unopened bottles and boxes of cosmetics in your bathroom that you clearly had not purchased (your bank account does not lie), I discovered small pieces of metal and wire in your bedroom. this was a few days after you had spent time with your friends at Chadstone and what I discovered was that you had stolen some Calvin Klein bras from Myer and you had taken the garden secateurs to try and break off the security tag (God knows how you got out the store with the tag, but perhaps it beeped and you kept walking!). The one bit of advice I received from reading articles about teenagers who steal, was that if discovered, the good you had stolen must be removed from your possession so that you do not benefit from them. I managed to put aside my despair and worry and tried a different tactic – I offered to take you to Myer the next day to buy bras as I would never want you to think you HAD to steal bras as you needed them and we would not buy for you. Off we went to Myer (and I also managed to use the opportunity to just return the bras you had stolen by leaving them in the bra department and not saying a word). Whilst you went to try on the bras I showed you the security cameras and tried to explain in many ways the m multiple negative effects of stealing and how you could easily get caught. I really thought I had a break through and you promised me you were not going to steal again. So the next day, when I discovered yet another stolen bra in your cupboard I hit a real time low. I just could not comprehend your level of dishonesty and I became so so worried about you. I also felt so helpless and feeling like I was a bad parent for bringing up a child who steals to such a degree.

Deceit is to some extent accepted as a normal part of teenager’s testing boundaries, and luckily, despite those horrible periods of despair, I have also mastered the skill of applying a good dose of humour to some of the audacious lies and weathered my role as your punching bag when things do wrong for you. One of my “favourites” from the start of the year was when you forged a note to your swim teacher to avoid swimming lessons…which by the way, forging a note from your parents at least once is a standard rite of passage for every adolescent. In this instance you were caught out as despite me asking you to take your swimming stuff to school for your scheduled swim lessons, you insisted you did not have swim lessons that day. Of course you had an ulterior plan, but unbeknownst to you I had contacted your swim teacher to let him know I had done my best to try get you to take swimmers to school. Of course when you were found out it was all my fault for contacting your teacher in the first place, with not a shred of responsibility worn by you for lying in the first place.  At least you spelled menstruating correctly  (proud mum moment….haha)

The serious stuff

The lies culminated in an awful event a few months ago. On a Monday morning I was called by the head of Middle school (Dan Sztrait) and the head of year 8 (Karen Glanc). They hesitantly opened the conversation by asking if everything was ok at home and then proceeded to tell me that one of your class mates had reported to them that they overheard you telling your friends that you were being beaten up by your parents at home and locked in your room. Evie, I will never forget that moment for as long as I live, for it tore my heart in two and threw my soul off a figurative cliff. I think the shock was even more intense as just the day prior, I had watched you dance on stage at one of your dance comps and remember sitting in the audience marvelling at your happy demeanour and exhuberant joy that you showed on stage. My head (and my heart) could just not reconcile this happy teenager from the day prior with one whose lies had sunk to the depth where they accused their parents of beating them up. I burst into tears and it was an all-time low in my parenting life.

Of course at first you totally denied it but eventually came around to admitting that you were ‘joking’ with your friends at another student had overheard you and reported it. Unbeknownst to you, a chain of consequences had been set off which were out of your control. The school was legally obligated to report the incident to the department of social services and dad and I had a number of meetings with the school to discuss next steps. The one silver lining that came out of all of this was that we (your teachers at school, the school social worker, dad and I) agreed that you absolutely had to go see a psychologist. You resisted constantly, but we kept insisting it was mandated by the department of social services.

I was a bit nervous you may not follow through, but you came along to the GP for a mental healthcare plan and you attended 4 sessions with Yulli Dar, who I believe is a great psychologist for you as she is young and from the parent session we attended, she seemed to achieve some break through. We did have to bribe you to an extent, but I beleiev it was a healthy bribe as I know the value of having someone unbiased and professional in your corner. Aftter the cheating in the science test incident, we then negotiated with you that you would see Yulli again, in exchange for a new iphone (the most expensive pyschology sessions ever!) But you know what Evie, I am a big believer in psychology support to really dig down and embrace your emotions. Something that Yulli said was that she thinks you struggle with social anxiety. I had never considered that as you not an outwardly anxious kid. I think you are one of these kids that was born letting go. I don’t recall you being an especially clingy baby and despite being reserved as a young child, you have always been fiercely independent (just like me). But I do know that as a young adult, there is so much pressure, both obvious as well as beneath the surface, that can create a high degree of social anxiety. the need for every teenager all over the world to fit in is paramount, and perhaps this is something you struggle with more than I have realised. I hope that I set an example in my everyday life to show you that what matters is how you feel about yourself, far more important than what anyone else thinks of you.

Evie, when I was your age I also learned to shut down my emotions. I found it far easier to just manage them internally as opposed to sharing too much and making myself vulnerable. But over time, I learned that keeping it all inside can sometimes be a bit too much and can lead to catastrophic results. During my adult years I learned to open up. I do still sometimes choose not to share, or at least wait until I am ready. I hope that you will do the same over time. I know I won’t always be the person that you share with. But you should know that you have many many people who are in your corner and care for you deeply. You will always and forever have that support in your life.

Post edit: You attended the first of your second set of sessions with Yulli (post cheating incident). Despite saying you don’t want to go back, there was not a huge amount of resistance (maybe it was tied to the bribe of the mobile phone). I secretly hope that your lack of resistance means you actually feel these sessions are worthwhile.

The era of ‘I hate you’

Nothing in this world gives you a thick skin quite like being told umpteen times by your daughter that she hates you. I think you probably hate me even more when I laugh at this outburst and brush it off. My favourite version of this was when one evening you and dad were fighting (who knows about what) and I sent you a message suggesting you just go to bed and wake up to a new day when everything will be better. I received a one word response from you….die!!

And another time when I suggested you spend some time preparing for a school test, you sent me a message “I am not waisting my time with you anymore”. In response, I suggested you definitely should spend more time in English so you learn how to spell wasting correctly ;).

Evie, you can be very funny when you are angry. Or perhaps I have just learned to develop a black sense of humour when raising a teenager.

Crying wolf

I have lost count of the number of times that you have called me, crying wolf. Such as getting a text message saying “phone me now, this is extremely important” after you try call me 80 times within 5 minutes and I don’t pick up, and then I find out you wanted to ask my opinion where the TV remote might be kept at the house where you are babysitting (extremely important indeed!). The height of chutzpah was the day in December when you had a huge fight with dad and I as you refused to put on sunscreen on a boiling hot day you were going to the beach for your friend Zarah’s birthday. Of course you insisted you wouldnt get sunburned, but I got hold of this selfie you took of your extremely pink (and painful) back.

There were lots of tears, screaming matches and flared tempers and we told you that we were no longer taking you to your friend Mika’s house when you treat us with such disdain. A few hours later, whilst I was enjoying a much needed cold glass of wine at our Viva str Xmas party, I received a few more “urgent” texts and calls from you accompanied by “please come home mum” and “I really need you, it’s important”. I remember thinking “maybe something is wrong” or “maybe Evie has started her period and needs me.” So I left the party and came home. When I walked int your bedroom and asked what you need me for, the response I received was “what time are you taking me to Mika’s house?” Your level of chutzpah and audacity would be admirable if it wasn’t so blatantly self-involved.

Another time you showed the highest degree of “I don’t give a flying f$@k what you say, I will do whatever I want” is when you quite blatantly sabotaged a ski weekend that dad had planned for you and Jake. The whole week leading up to it you were pulling in the opposite direction. Dad asked you to pack on the Wed night as he wanted to leave straight after school on the Thursday to avoid getting there too late. Of course you didn’t pack and when you came home from school on the Thursday and found your bag packed for you, you absolutely lost it, took your bag from the car, emptied all the contents onto your floor and sat on your bed refusing to budge! Dad and I made a decision for him to go without you. We removed your skis from the car and as dad drove out the driveway you went running after him wearing shorts and a t-shirt (perfect attire for snow weather), carrying a bag with stuff falling out and clutching a pillow under your arm. Dad drove off and there I was, needing to manage you and your tears of sorrow and regret. You will never openly admit it, but I know you felt remorse and regret. Of course that still didn’t stop you taking yourself by bus to Chadstone on the Saturday to go see the Barbie movie with your friends, despite dad explicitly telling you that you were grounded and not to go.

Jeez Evie, we have had some spectacular incidents with you that make for great story telling and a few laughs, many weeks later once the anger and angst has dissipated. A ‘highlight’ has to be in January after our family holiday to Jervis bay with my siblings and your cousins. You hadn’t had much sleep the whole week as you refused to share a room with Jake and slept on a mattress in the common area where your baby cousins woke you up pretty early. This culminated in a massive blow up on the day we were leaving where you ran away and for hours we never knew were you were. Eventually we somehow all managed to get in the car for a very silent 3-hour car ride back to Sydney airport, where you feel asleep from the stress and exhaustion.

Unfortunately the drama didn’t end there. You refused to get out of the rental car, so the bus drove off without you and took us to the airport. Dad received a phone call from the car hire company saying there is a stray girl hanging around their office. Most people get a call to say a suitcase has been left behind, I am tipping this was the first time the car hire company had to make a call about a child being left behind! Dad waited for you as the car hire company dropped you off but then you proceeded to walk into the airport without him and he lost you. Dad gave up and went to the Virgin lounge. He had just got himself a coffee when he was paged over the loudspeaker to come to reception and what do you know, there you were waiting for dad as the lounge member to get you access! And you even had the chutzpah to ask the reception staff to charge your phone!

Teenage memes

It’s not all drama though. And true to teenage form, you do provide me with a lot of laughts and material that I could create a never-ending supply of teenage humour memes. Like when you put a container back in fridge with one tiny piece of pumpkin as you cant be fucked putting the container in the dishwasher or leaving a spoon in the freezer…perhaps so it is ready for you to eat more ice cream?

Or when I suggest or offer something and your turn your nose down but then later decide you do in fact want to have / do that. For example, at first you refused to watch Edward Scissorhands (your year 8 English movie set work) with me but then later agreed. And when I first suggested you sign up for Maccabi junior carnival, you poo poo’d the idea but then when many of your friends were going you were very keen. Simetimes your stubbornness is just so child-like stubborn. I bought you Carmans oat bars for year 8 camp and you told me you didn’t want them so I returned them to Coles. You then went with dad to buy food at Coles and what do you know, you bought the muesli bars!

The good stuff

I know this blog may seem like it is filled with never ending teenage dramas. And whilst there is plenty of that to write about, there is also plenty of good stuff. You are so tender and engaged with your baby cousins and it’s the soft side of your personality that comes through. Sometimes I watch you interact with them and am grateful for the soothing confidence that you display as it makes me hopeful that your anger is not consuming your heart.

This was also the year you started to babysit. After refusing to do chores at home as you weren’t happy how much pocket money you were receiving, you set up an ad on the Facebook babysitting group and started getting a few gigs. As you only charge $15 per hour (compared to older more qualified nanny’s who charge $30 per hour), you are an attractive babysitter for many families. Your very first babysitting job was for a lady named Romy Klein. the day after you babysat I received a FB message from Romy. As I opened it, my heart started beating as I thought perhaps you had messed up. So imagine my great joy and pride when it was this wonderful message from Romy saying how impressed she was with you.

The transition of responsibility

One day you are ready to take on the world with not a flutter of a care, yet other days you come scurrying back to me asking me to sort out all your problems. A  great example of this was in January when you (and your uncle Avi) arranged for a free, but very old and dilapidated, table tennis table to be delivered to our holiday house. The thing could not even stand up and was a disaster not only because it wasn’t functional, but because we had no idea how to get rid of it before we left. Luckily, Avi’s friend who lives nearby came to the rescue and took it to the tip in his ute. But the minute you realised your plan hadn’t worked out as expected,   you wanted to write your hands off the whole thing. In fairness you did try offer it for free on facebook marketplace but you were subconsciously relying on your parents to fix the problem. You often think you are ready to go out into the big wide world on your own, yet the reality is you are still a child who is developing a sense of responsibility and autonomy and our role is to help support you and carry you through these bumps in life. But at the same time I want to use these teachable life moments to show you that when the shit hits the fan, you still gotta clean up the shit!

And sometimees the only way to learn responsibility is the hard way. When you decided to stop doing your chores, your money in your bank account started dwindling away. We kept telling you that your money will run out, but in true teenage style, you chose to ignore our comments or assumed it wouldn’t happen to you. We were waiting for the day, which did arrive, where you were out with your friends and had no money to enjoy yourself. Dad got a desperate call asking to please please transfer money and all the promises in the world that you would do your chores when you got home. My heart ached for you being in that situation but I knew you had to feel how awful it was, as otherwise nothing was going to change. And you know what, it did change. Whilst you unfortunately did not take up chores again at home, you did start earning money babysitting. And I was so proud of you when after a few months of babysitting (and some gifts from grandparents), you had saved up over $500 and of your own choice you requested us to buy shares for you as you said you are saving up for a car one day.

What is a mother? Someone who is wanted and unwanted at the same time

Most days I feel like there is a constant push and pull in our relationship….usually more push, as in you pushing me away! But sometimes there is the pull and itss a dose of oxygen in my often fragile world of being your mum. I know that you know I help you with many things in life and I do believe that deep down (wayyyyyy deeep down) you are glad I am there to share in your triumphs and your failures. You will let me know when you do really well in your math test and will text me a photo of the bracelet your friend gave you for your birthday. You will pretend not to give a shit about the fundraising store to support israel, but then you will buy me a gift and be excited to give to me. You will be extremely put out when I run a nutrition workshop at Bialik for all the kids in your year, yet you will show up and take part and not give me (too much) attitude. Just recently you double booked a babysitting job on the same day that you had planned to go to Amber’s house for an end of year break up party. Luckily your mum is so super organised and realised this and when I told you, your response was “oh”. Together we brain stormed your options and what you could tell the babysitter (you decided you wanted to rather go to the party). I helped you craft a message that was the truth (a reminder that the truth is always the best option) and whilst you were nervous that you were letting down the mum, you received a great response back and your fears that she wouldnt use you again were negated. I also scored a few brownie points when I suggested that you contact Arms of Eve with a photo of your bracelet that was falling apart and they offered to send you a free replacement. And when your Owala water bottle started leaking, which was not a manufacturing fault but from every day use, I suggested emailing them and letting them know you had saved up to buy this water bottle with your own money and could they asisst in anyway. As a result, they offered you free postage.

I know his push-pull stage of my parenting life is very normal as I move more and more away from primary caregiver to the downgraded job title of ‘supportive presence only when wanted’. It means you are growing up into an independant woman, which makes it a bitter sweet feeling with a side helping of loss.

So it’s nice to feel wanted by you Evie. even if its only when I can be of use to help you, at least its something!

The world of Evie

You like rap music, oversized hoodies and push up bras. You use shortened lingo for everything that requires a teenage-parent dictionary for me to interpret (nvm, gath, obvi, dupe) and one of your favourite foods is the bircher muesli I make you for an after school snack. You like wearing your skirts and bottoms with the top folded over (especially if it’s a cool brand like venroy) and you take thousands of selfies with your tongue sticking out at an odd angle. You wax your eye brows and shave your legs and as of the time of writing this blog post, you still haven’t had your period. Although part of me wonders if you would even tell me if you did as I recall not telling my mum. Your room is constantly messy, but I guess compared to other teens it’s probably not too bad and at least there are no empty food containers everywhere. I wonder if one day you will be like me where you simply cannot go to bed at night if you have washing lying on the floor….but at the moment when I ask you to put away your washing , a standard response is “that’s on my to do list for tomorrow.”

You have enough make up to start a cosmetic business (so please stop stealing my make up!) and spend nearly an hour in the bathroom getting ready every day for school. You insist on your shorts being ultra small and prefer healthy foods over lollies, but pasta is still one of your preferred dinners. You wear your hair curly or in a low ponytail but will also spend ages straightening it with your new hair straightener you received for your 14th birthday.

You have a close knit group of 12 school friends and are still exceptionally close to your cousin Freya, which will make for a tough year next year when Freya is away at Howqua for school with zero phone contact. You have started to develop an expensive penchant for branded bags and shoes, and with your champagne taste on your beer budget, makes me think you need to start finding a job that pays more than your current babysitting rate of $15 per hour

Dramatic Much

You have a great sense of humour Evie and a very sharp and witty tongue. You and I have started communicating more via text message, which I see has pros and cons, but hey, at least it still is communication. Often your text messages are pretty brutal and disrespectful, but when I recount the story to others or look back on it at least I can have a laugh. Like recently when I was sharing how upset I was at some or the other thing you had done and I was pouring out my heart to you in the hope you would show some empathy. Instead, the response I received was “dramatic much”. Part of me wanted to tell you to get fucked, but part of me appreciated your complete disregard. I think I can laugh it off (it sometimes takes me a while for my bruised ego to recover) because I know that beneath the barbs, you have a soft caring heart that loves your mum.

 The irony of you accusing me of being so dramatic is that your world of teenagehood is filled with so much drama and in true teenage psychology, you often think the world is coming to an end. In January you found out who your class teachers were for each subject and spiralled into a depressive state for the day (after running from the room and slamming the door exclaiming you have the worst teachers ever, especially your math teacher who is a grandpa!), well, what a surprise that your math teacher has turned out to be one of your best teachers for the year (of course you will never admit that). And this was topped off when you received the highest mark in the class for your final geometry test…I bet you love your math teacher now!

It takes time and lots of life experience to realise that in the moment something can seem like the worst thing ever. But often (not always) that something turns out to be the best thing that happened to you.

Parents Be Gone

I wear the accolade of “most embaressing parent” very proudly and have no qualms for you wanting me to disappear into thin air whenever you are around other people. I think I do give you your space and certainly dont hang out with you and your friends. Recently I was picking you up from a friends house and it was a late pick up. I told you that if you did not come out within a few minutes of me arriving there, I would come ring the doorbell to get you. Well, that was the best trick in my ‘how to parent teenagers book’ as the sheer horror of your mum ringing the bell was enough to have you ready and waiting the minute I arrived!

Another time you left your black hat at Mika’s house. It was another Evie story where you said something about never having that hat as you left it in South Africa, when we had seen you leave the house with it that morning. Dad landed up going past Mika’s house to collect on his way back from his bike ride and we just quietly put the hat back in your cupboard and never said a word. Can you imagine your reaction if you knew dad had rocked up ins his sweaty lycra gear to your friend’s house to pick up lost property!

Your pops

14 years ago your grandfather pops laid eyes on his first grand child. That moment personified the intensity of love at first sight and it has only grown ever since. Pops has visited our family in Melbourne quite a few times this past year and has witnessed a few temper flare ups and outbursts from both you and I. Whilst he has tried to stay neutral and gently reminded me not to shout and also tried to have a chat with you where he could see your behaviour was pretty awful, there is no doubt that no matter what the circumstance, you can never do any wrong in his eyes. I have lost count of the number of times he has remarked what a special person you are. Of course every grand parent thinks all their grand children are special, but pops puts you on a pedestal like no other and you hold a spot in his heart that is reserved just for you. It’s not a case of you being his favourite grand child (he adores every single one of his grand kids), but sometimes there is an extra special bond between a child and a grandparent, an intangible connection that cannot be explained, it can only simply be felt and observed. He is, and always has been, the only person in this world that you run to and hug with an outpouring of affection that you show for no-one else in this world.

As he gets older and you delve more into your world of teenage-hood, the moments you share with pops becomes less and less. Last time you (reluctantly) played a few games of uno with him, which was more out of pity than actual desire. It reminds me of my relationship with my Omi. I was always very close to her and used to phone her every single day (I still remember her phone number off by heart – 54 2629). As I grew up and into my more selfish teenage years, the daily phone calls died down and then stopped. Omi died when I was your age, 14 years old. I recall regretting, and still do, that I stopped my daily calls to her. But I know that it was completely normal for my life stage and whilst I have regrets, I am eternally grateful for the phone calls I did make to her and for the cherished memories I do have. You too have so many of these with your pops. I feel a heightened sense of urgency to capture these in camera and in my mind, for I know the time is coming near when Pops will no longer be alive and there will be no more times where I can bear witness to this exceptional relationship that the two of you have.

Forget the roller coaster….this is a full velocity spaceship in to the vast unknown

The trials and tribulations of being a teenager (and parenting one) are a constant ying and yang. The proud mum moments and the tenderness I feel when you reach out to me for support or to share something cute like wanting to get matching denim overalls for cino for our photo shoot. And then there are the scalding burns on my heart and my soul when you treat me with such contempt and disregard. The irony is that both these opposing forces often present simultaneously, which means I never quite know which way this journey into the wild unknown will go.

This year the “I hate you” and associated lovely synonyms have become the norm and luckily my well-developed black sense of humour laughs them off. Then there was the time you proudly showed me your science 3-D cell model project which you scored very well (pretty much the only science assignment you passed this year, and the brief moment I secretly caught you reading on a plane that made my heart soar even if it was short lived (sept 2023).

You have adventured through the rite of passage for getting braces on, then off. You refuse though to wear your retainer and I hope for your sake your teeth don’t move in adulthood as it will be pretty painful for you to fund a second round of braces from your own bank account.

Another rite of teenagehood was getting your “thirds”, although not on such a kosher way. One night, your friend Miley slept over, and there was a lot of giggling coming from your room. Only a few days later, did I notice a third earing in each of your ears! I was pissed off for about 2 seconds…for then i realised that firstly there was nothing I could now do (I couldn’t exactly un-pierce your ears!) but more importantly this was just you being you! You are determined like no-one else I have ever come across and also so bloody stubborn…this combo means that you often come unstuck, especially when you refuse help where help is needed.

A few months ago, after much deliberation, you decided to part with some of your hard earned money to buy the most ridiculously oversized water bottle I have ever seen in my life…your precious Owala. You were in love with this contraption (which could double as a deadly weapon given the size and the sheer volume of stainless steel) and never let this bottle out of your sight. I begged you to label it with the label gun and of course you refused. Less than one week after your precious had arrived, I saw you scrounging in your dance bag and opening every cupboard. When I gingerly asked where your water bottle was you said you had left it at dancing but so-and-so’s sister’s friend was going to dancing a few days later and would get it for you.

This did not sound like such a good game plan to me and lo and behold, the owala never re-appeared from this so called friend. I then emailed the dance school (without asking as I knew if I did you would tell me not to do it…you hate me getting involved in your life) and  the kind receptionist went searching and found it at the back of the dance studio in the kitchen. You would never have looked there and I think deep down you were grateful that I tried to help. I thought it was definitely a score in my brownie book, for sometimes your mean, irritating mum can actually be of assistance.

A time to dance

Another year of your love for dance. This year was the Cinderella performance with the State Youth Ballet, as well as the Rise program at the start of the year, which was a good challenge for you as it was a pre-professional program with a very high calibre of dancers. There were also solos, although I don’t think your heart was in it as much as before and eventually you came to an agreement with me that the nagging (from me) and the lack of practise (from you) did not warrant the time and money and emotional effort for more solo comps this year. Will there possibly be new solos next year…who knows?  It will be interesting to see where you go over the next few years with dance. Will your love remain and you will choose to do VET dance? Or will it start to wane as other priorities take over your life? Time will tell….

Evie’s birthday interview 

I recall (maybe or maybe not correctly) that last year you right out refused to do the birthday interview. This year, I gave you the list of questions a few weeks prior to your birthday and asked you to please give some thought to the responses. After a few failed attempts, combined with a healthy dose of mum nagging and injected with the standard Evie sarcasm, we eventually got most of the way there.

1. Who is your best friend  I have a lot of close friends

2. What is your favourite subject at school? Lunch

3. What is your favourite colour? Pink (insert from mum: pink is probably her least favourite colour)

4. What is your favourite food? Veggies with hummus

5. What meal would you cook for a family dinner? Pasta is all I know how to make

6. What do you want to do when you finish school? Physio or interior designer

7. What makes you happy? Cino and dance and friends

8. What makes you irritated? A lot

9. What country would you like to visit on holiday and why? America bcs good shopping, disey land and fun and cool and amaze

10. If you could only go on holiday with only one make up item or skincare what would it be? Cleanser

11. What would you like to change in your life during your 14th year of being in this world? Nothing there is a double up of this question

13. What is something you would never be caught dead wearing?   Probably a full-on neon jumpsuit. It’s just not my style.

15. What is something that your parents have taught you?     Always staying true to myself.

16. What is the worst thing your parents make you do? Cleaning my room! Ugh, it’s the worst, but I get it.

17. What is a favourite holiday memory? Too many

18. If you had three wishes, what would they be? Unlimited money, A world without pollution,   To always stay close to my friends and family.

19. If you could change anything about the world, what would it be? I wish everyone had access to education

20. What is something you are really good at? nothing

21. What is one goal that you would like to achieve when you are 14 years old? idk

23. What is your dad good at? riding

24. What is your mum good at? running

25. What is Jake good at? he is great at everything

27. What’s your most treasured possession? I don’t have anything

28. If you could turn back time, what would you change in your life? Nothing life is g

29. What was a dancing highlight (one or more) from this past year?     Dance comps

30. If you could change an injustice in this world, what would you want to change? Homelessness

31. If I gave you $50 now, what would you buy (you have to spend it)? clothes

32. If you could go back to one year ago, what is something you would tell your future self? Go wooop woop