I think it’s super tough being 14. And I know it’s super tough being the mum of a 14 year old. In fact, it has probably been the hardest and the most helpless year I have ever experienced as your mum. And it has also been the year where my feelings of pride, admiration and absolute awe of you have been surpassed beyond belief.
This past year has been a life time of ricocheting emotions. A life time of resilience built from cruel and disappointing experiences, that dragged you through a dark tunnel, eventually to find a brilliant light waiting for you. In hindsight I can see the light was always there lurking beneath the cruel shadows of adolescence, and you knew you had to keep keep going through that oh-so dark tunnel to discover it.
You started off your 14th year quite a different person to who you are now.
And as you step into fifteen, you are more mature, more self aware, more particular about the kind of people you want to surround yourself with, and most importantly, more confident that you can face the challenges that await in your future with the skills to overcome them and thrive.
It all came crashing down at the start of February this year. By the end of that first week of school, this mood-swinging, make-up wearing, eye rolling teenager who was willing to appease her mum with a back to school photo, had her confidence stripped away and left in shreds.
Even now as I write this, my heart burns at the memories. Overnight, from having a close knit group of about ten girl friends, you were simply dropped, that’s it. No reason, no rhyme, no nothing. And so the really shitty thing that happens to so many year 9 girls happened to you Evie, and as a result it happened to me too. So many have said it’s ‘normal’ for this to happen at this stage of life. But let me tell you, when it is your own child, there is no normal or fairness to it, and I cried and cried myself to sleep for so many nights.
I recall you calling me in tears to pick you up from sports day as Miley and Frankie had treated you with such disdain. My mind is in pain when I imagine you hearing all about Emi’s galentines party and what food everyone was bringing, and you had to sit with all these ‘friends’ listening to this and dying inside. You had been invited to Mika’s birthday and couldnt make it but then your plans changed (babysitting was cancelled). When you told Mika you could come and you got no response, my entire heart dropped to the bottom of my feet. There were really harsh moments, like being told you couldn’t join the Purim group. So instead you and I had a day together shopping and lunching at Chadstone, which whilst I loved doing that with you, I knew it was not right, for you should have been with your friends. There were sleepovers you weren’t invited to and of course a constant barrage of curated images on Snapchat, leaving you feeling like a lost ship in a very rough and wild ocean, with nothing around to anchor you to safety. Many days and weekends were spent hiding in your room. One sunny weekend in Feb, I managed to convince you to come with Cino and I down to Albert Park and we walked along the beach and ate ice creams. It took a lot of effort for you to (surprisingly) agree to come out with me as opposed to saying holed up in your room watching your previous friends every move on Snap map. We had a good day , but the whole time I knew that your Sunday should be spent with friends your age, not your mum.
I recall the March labour day long weekend when Jess had a sleepover. On the Sunday morning I drove you to an extra dance class and I could see how desperately you were holding back the tears, and my heart ached like no ache I have ever felt before. Then there were the tiny morsels of exhilaration you felt when someone did reach out to you. Such as when Frankie invited you to her birthday party. But just like a drug, once the fleeting moment wore off, you came crashing down. The ups and downs, the yearning and the heartache. I felt like your twin in one of those weird science studies, where they show that every pain inflicted on the one, is felt just as acutely as the other. Yet I knew it was not my pain to fix, but that didn’t stop me from trying my damdest to help you get through it. You went to more regular psychology sessions with Yuli, sometimes reluctantly, but a lot of the time with not much push back, which indicated just how much you were hurting. We planned trips away so you wouldnt be stuck at home in the holidays – Peregian beach in April , Grampians over the long weekend and and Sydney in July.
I convinced you to sign up for the second year to State Youth ballet so your Sundays could be filled with dance rehearsals, rather than lying in your room watching all your previous friends on social media and the soul destroying knowledge that you were excluded.
I listened to every podcast I could find that would give me a sliver of advice, for I was prepared to try anything. I had countless meetings with the Bialik year level coordinator (Andrea) and counsellor (Vicki) and with credit to them, and especially Andrea, they tried to put things in place by coordinating school activities with other girls who were not part of the gang who were excluding you. I didn’t have much hope to be honest, as it seemed like you only wanted to be ‘allowed’ back into your previous group. I am very grateful that you had Amy, who joined at the start of the year, as without her things could have been really dire.
For the first time in 12 years (since you started kindergarten at Bialik), dad and I considered it a real possibility that we needed to help you find a new school, so off on a few school tours we went. You refused to consider Scopus or a girls only school, and we explored Caulfield Grammar, Wesley and Carey. You were open to some of these, and others you couldnt wait to get the hell out of there. So we dutifully paid the deposit for the pleasure of adding your name to long wait lists. Carey became a real possibility and we held off until after school camp in August.
I was convinced you needed to leave Bialik (as did your dad for many months). I had accepted that you had no other groups of friends to turn to, and I was trying to will myself to sleep every night, whilst anxious worry of your never-ending unhappiness haunted my night time dreams. Throughout this time, you kept telling me you wanted to stay at Bialik. I knew changing schools is not a panacea and can be fraught with other challenges, but I just didn’t see another way forward. I voiced this concern to you many times, yet you adamantly and repeatedly told me you didn’t want to leave. When I asked you why, you simply, but confidently, told me “because it will get better”. By term three, there were glimpses that things were (slowly) improving and I was in regular contact with Andrea Goldstein, who echoed my hopes. I knew you were getting a crash course in resilience and yet I also knew that resilience is a muscle and can fatigue pretty quickly when over worked.
When I look back on this past year with the futuristic benefit of hindsight, I have come to a single great realisation.
Evie, your resilience and determinedness to stick it out and work your way through this really tough period in your life was always there, and I just didn’t allow myself to see it as I was shrouded in ‘mum worry’.
Your confidence took a helluva knock off the rocky cliff face of teenage self-esteem, yet through grit and acceptance and learning a lot about yourself and others, you held on. You learned the art of acceptance and of choosing to spend your time with people who celebrate you for you. You learned how to let go of friendships and more importantly how to step out of that metaphorical comfort zone and open yourself up a bit more to new relationships. Even though I am sure there are times when you miss those that you were once so close to, you now choose to channel your energies into people who accept you, love you, and bring out the best in you.
Something else quite monumental has shifted as you leave 14 behind you. The devil horns that you have sharpened so viciously well over the last few years of teenage-hood have slowly, but surely become blunter and more obscure. I can’t lie and say they have totally disappeared, but I now finally believe the many people who promised me that we would make it through this wild wild west of parenting a 14 year old girl, and that you would emerge the other side a little more mature, a little less feisty and and a lot more pleasurable to be around. I have really noticed this over the past few months. You are (slightly) more willing to accept responsibility for your own fuk ups, occasionally will not insist on having the last word, you have been much kinder and made more effort with Jake and you take the time to consider a different view point. I am under no illusion that those sharp horns won’t give me plenty more scars over the next few years, but at least the angel is appearing more often than the devil. And I too have learned to have a giggle and see the black humour in things like when you wish me a sudden death in the same sentence that you ask me to buy you something. Or text me with sarcastic disdain, whilst needing me to sort out a problem for you. Only a teenager would have the chutzpah to be able to do this and not see any issue.
I have wondered how much of this positive change in you has coincided with the change of your friendship circle. They always say you can’t choose your child’s friends, but there is no doubt that your new friends are, to be blunt, just a helluva lot nicer. Some of the girls you used to hang out with are way too fast for their own good and are sadly showing their vulnerability and underlying poor self esteem in some not so flattering tiktok videos. Yes, I am being the judgy judgy parent and I know you are not miss innocent either. But it’s not just a sexy video that puts me off some of those girls. I know, as only an adult with life experience can know, that part of the reason why many of these girls just dropped you, is that they need to bring someone else down to feel good about themselves and do this together like a pack of sheep. For this is the toxic glue that holds that group together.
There is a vast difference in the way you carry yourself with your friends now as to how you did previously. I am not a naive parent and I know all girls will get up to shit and drama, but there is something just a little less hard and a lot more real with these girls.
But whatever friends come and go in your life in the future, I know you have come to the realisation that you define your self worth by YOUR actions and how YOU feel about yourself, not others.
This tough tough year really felt like it came to a closure on your birthday party a week before your fifteenth birthday, when you invited a few groups of girls over (first time you have mixed your dance and school friends together) and everyone wore a ‘touch of pink’.
I was shunned away, only to be allowed into the kitchen when it was time to serve your food. But through the closed doors I could hear so much laughter. And sounds of relaxed self confidence and togetherness of girls just being girls for who they are. I almost cried from happiness. I stood at the top of the staircase listening and feeling so grateful for where you have come from Evie, and where you have got to. Ten months ago I did not think a birthday party was going to be happening for you. Ten months ago I had a very different view of how things were going to pan out.
But you have shown me that bad things do pass if you just give it time to run its course. I know this won’t be the last social challenge you face in your life. But I now know that you will get through all the curve balls that will be thrown at you on your journey. And if some knock you about and bruise you along the way, you will be ok, for bruises do heal if one is willing to do the work to help the healing process.
I really am so in awe of how you have managed this tricky uncertain time in your life and I am so so proud of you for sticking to your beliefs and your desires and not just throwing in the towel when the going got tough.
I think your resilience skills have paid you back in spades. in October, you found out that you never got accepted into the Diller leadership program for next year. What made this disappointment that much more acute was that 3 of your friends (Emma, Rosie and Amy) all got accepted. It was a tough day, especially as I was informed by the group leader that you were number 21 on the list (they only accept 20 kids each year).
As I sat with you in your bedroom that evening. I wanted to make sure I acknowledged your feelings and that it really sucked not to get in. You glumly told me “this is the most disappointing thing that will ever happen to me”. Oh Evie, if only that would be true, for then you would live a life with happiness only. As much as I wish that for you, the hard knocks of life are inevitable. But what was interesting after the initial feelings of the Diller rejection had passed, was that within a few days you were looking at it a bit more objectively. Not doing Diller means you will get to do Lion Heart dance program next year (you couldn’t have done both as the Sundays would clash), you won’t miss troupe on a Monday and you still get to go to Israel this Dec and hopefully next year on chavayah. There is also always next year to apply for Diller if you wish.
I think you are learning the cliched mantra that everything happens for a reason and it’s important to trust the process, even if it seems really shitty at the time.
So moving on from the tough times of being fourteen. There are still many many other life lessons to learn as I look back on your fourteenth year of life…
Sunburn = Blisters, Swelling and NO Tan
In December you got so sunburned after lying in the sun for hours with zero sunscreen. and then you did it all over again in January! It got so bad, that after a few days of sun burn in January, your face swelled up like a pumpkin and we had to go to the GP for steroids. Of course, your biggest concern was whether or not the swelling would subside by the time Maccabi carnival started and you could not care less that the GP told you it was the worst sunburn he had seen all summer.
Already this summer we have started with the usual sunscreen fights….it kills me watching you do something that could kill you. I thought by now a tan would be pretty uncool but when you are a young teenager the cool factor overrides any sense of skin cancer dread and all caution gets thrown out together with the SPF 50s and the hats
The Teenager Mood Pendulum
Your pendulum of moods has certainly swung vigorously this past year. Some days it feels like it is slowing down to a peaceful rhythm, and other days it feels like a hurricane has taken hold of it, swinging your wrath in every direction and destroying everything that dares ventures into your path.
There was the day in the holidays where your bad mood lay thick and heavy around our family game of bowling….and you finally cracked a smile when after all your gutter balls you eventually got a strike.
And who can forget the days when you come home from dancing wearing your snake skin….hissing and spitting that you dont like the dinner I slaved over or that the house stinks of fish.
Why Use a Cupboard When You Have a Floor
Your room looks like any cliches teenagers room, with clothes strewn everywhere most of the time and your bathroom drawers could rival the make up shelves at any beauty store or pharmacy.
Maccabi Carnival – a Taste of Freedom and a Dose of Reality
I am so happy that you got to experience one carnival event in Sydney in January. You had an absolute ball and I think the highlights were the days you skipped the carnival sports and headed down to Bondi beach with your friends – the ultimate way to enjoy teenager independance.
You were billeted with a non-carnival family (due to too many kids and not enough hosts) with your best friend at the time (Zarah). I remember the day I dropped you at Maroubra shul to meet Donna, your host. She arrived and as soon as I saw her, I thought “Evie is not going to be happy”. I can only write this in this blog, but she looked like an old frumpy, fat Jewish woman who made no effort with her appearance. I called you later to see how the house was and you told me “it is very brown.” You also told me that the food and water tastes bad, the bathroom is in the laundry (shock, horror, shock) and the kids are weird. Dad and I had a good chuckle as the suburb you were staying in was Mattraville, which is at the edge of the eastern suburbs and very different to the rich houses of Rose Bay and Bellevue Hill where many of your friends were billeted. It was kind of a good balance – you were with your best friend, but you were getting a dose of reality as you often do see the world with rose-tinted glasses and think that you will live in a mansion in the best location and have all your material desires fulfilled. Perhaps staying in Matraville maybe strengthened your desire to one day live in your mansion, but to get there you will have to earn a shit load of money, something you know doesn’t happen very easily.
I was hoping you would sign up for carnival in Perth in 2025, but you were adamant you would not. I know not many year 9 students do the final year of carnival, but part of me cant help wonder if you associate carnival as one of the last times you were part of the group of friends with Miley and Zarah and co. It did really upset me that Zarah did not stand by your side when all this was going on. You and here were as thick as thieves and Kim and Avi really looked after her as well during carnival (she came for Shabbat dinner and stayed over at Kim). Out of all the friends who dropped you at the start of the year, I think you have been the most disappointed in Zarah. I hope one day you and her reconnect.
Owala Gone, Owala Found, Owala Gone
Very soon after you purchased your ridiculously overpriced owala just after you turned 14, you left it at dancing. You insisted you had looked all over the studio and asked everyone and it had not turned up. I emailed the dance studio receptionist and gave her a photo of your owala and she found it in the back staff kitchen. Mum to the rescue!
On the second day of carnival, you lost your treasured Owala bottle again. I drove in the pouring rain back to the venue that same day, but alas, no owala was to be found. You did try hard to constantly check lost property and asked everyone if they had seen it, but it was gone for good. Luckily for you, you have an exceptionally generous nanny (or maybe too generous) and she replaced your owala, which you decided you would never again let out of your sight.
Fast forward many months and in late October, you realised your owala was missing again! You searched in the lost property at school and dance and asked everyone on snapchat if they had seen it, but a second owala seemed to be gone for good. A couple of weeks later, I braved your wrath and ventured into your room on a Tuesday morning to move your gigantic stuffed toys and all your shit off the floor so John could clean (side note: I do this every fortnight as you never tidy properly for John to clean your room). When I picked up your giant teddy and unicorn, there was your owala, it had been in your room the whole time! Second time your mum has come to the rescue and found your owala.
Bent Shoes
Every time you put on your shoes, you would wear them with the heels bent backwards. It infuriated me beyond belief and when you wanted a new pair of sneakers I made a deal with you. You paid $50 towards the sneakers and I said if you don’t step on your heels for a whole month, you can have the $50 back. It’s quite amazing what can be achieved when you set your mind to it….or when you put some of your money to it.
Talking about shoes, you do seem to have a slight obsession with ridiculously over priced and equally as ridiculous very high heeled shoes. Your champagne taste on a beer budget doesn’t end there, and I have had numerous “wish lists” sent to me this past years that include brand names that have way too many zeros on every price tag.
Lights on and Running Water
I think the one thing we have fought over a lot this year (and there has certainly been a lot!) is your never ending showers that probably empty one of Melbourne’s major dams every night.
And your need to switch on your bedroom, bathroom and cupboard lights and leave them all on whenever you leave the house!
Work Ethic
Evie, I really admire your work ethic. When I think of how you have been babysitting for over a year and how diligent you are about earning and saving money, I feel damn proud as your mum.
When I look back on myself at 14, I was so unaware of money and how much things cost compared to you. Not only are you reliable and loved by the kids at your regular babysitting jobs, but you are also aware of not overspending…although sometimes to your detriment as I think you need to enjoy your money more. Of course, a lot of the time you are willing to spend dad and my money quite easily, but I see snippets of a girl who thinks before she spends and is considerate of not wasting.
When I suggested to you that I go to the “nice” flower shop to get the table flowers for your birthday dinner, you said it’s a waste and I should just go to Coles instead. There are also infinite benefits of working, beyond money.
This past year you had to let one of your babysitters know that you had been underpaid and another time you had to let another know you were overpaid. Both times you agonised over what message to send and how to say it. I am so appreciative that you are experiencing this now from a young age. For money conversations are always hard to have and it’s really important that you get the practise.
Never Ending Dancing
It’s crazy to think you have been dancing for 12 years! I thought this may be one of your last, but as we approach the end of the year you have signed up for all the same dance classes in 2025. Your 14th year did however officially bring the end of solo competitions. At the start of the year you entered one (after I gave in under duress) and whilst I always love watching you on stage, the angst and the stress in the lead up and on the day is just no longer worth it. A couple of months ago, you again begged to enter a competition with Phoebe. And again it was the same situation…you were all stressed and rubbed your lipstick off and I was saying hurry up as we were going to be late. We arrived shouting at each other in the car park and I promised myself it was definitely the last time. You danced beautifully Evie, with passion and commitment and desire, just like you always do. But we agreed that it was time to retire the solo costumes to Facebook marketplace and put all your energy into your troupes. A huge part of your dancing life is your dance friends. It’s more about dancing with them then it is about competing on stage on your own. I will never forget watching you perform your first solo (broadway Jazz) back in 2018. It’s been 6 wonderful years, filled with cheap trophies from China, sourcing cute costumes and always, always filled with utmost awe when I see you on stage, brimming with an untold confidence that makes me think ‘wow, that’s my kid!’ .
Dancing this year served an extra benefit and purpose. During the tumultous heartache of changing friendship circles, dance was your one happy place where you were included and doing something that makes your life so worthwhile. I encouraged you (with persistence) to audition for the State Youth Ballet Peter Pan production in July and then again for Giselle with Melbourne Youth Ballet in October. Both were positive experiences for you to be part of a production, even if you weren’t happy about being with all the younger Asian kids for State Youth and hating the lost boy costume you had to wear on stage (although you performed your role brilliantly!). But besides the benefits of being in a corps de ballet, the unsaid benefit was ensuring you were out the house on Sundays at rehearsals, during many months when there were no social weekend invites. I will never forget the HUGE role that dance has played in your emotional health this year.
The Lucky Teacher This Year to Be Taunted by Evie ….Deb Forago
In Year 9, you had a remarkable turnaround in Science. From barely passing last year, to getting averages of 85-95% in most of your science tests and assignments. This all boils down to the teachers. Last year you had Carol Andrews as your science teacher, who you disliked immensely. This year you had Bianca Janover who you liked immensely. And what do you know, science is now your favourite subject.!
You did however, get another ‘Carol Andrews’ type teacher in year 9 – Deb Ferago for English.
Evie, the thing that you still have not realised is that whilst Carol Andrews and Deb Ferago are pretty crap teachers, you will ALWAYS have some teachers that are not that great. In fact, you will have bosses and work colleagues and staff and many other people who are part of your professional (and personal) life who you don’t like and maybe aren’t even very good at what they do. But you need to learn how to interact with people to get the best outcomes for yourself. This year, like last year with science, you have not put in much effort for English and you blame Deb Ferago for your inferior results. I hope that by the time I am writing your 16th birthday blog, and whoever your crap teacher is next year (I have no doubt there will be at least one), you have learned that what YOU put in is what YOU get out. And if your teacher is not great, then instead of being dafka and doing everything to make them dislike you (i.e. playing on your computer, being rude), work out what you can do for yourself to get the best education. This is an essential people skill that will have a significant impact in your life…I hope you become more open to learning it.
First Concerts
In November you went to your first ever music concert with some of your friends and what a concert to start off with …Cold Play!
The adrenaline and excitement in the lead up with buying sunglasses and overpriced merchandised and planning the girls coming over before…what an experience! Your dad was super bummed that he wasn’t going to his first concert with you, and I was super bummed that I never managed to get tickets for Cold Play. You had the time of your life that night….only to be followed up one week later with your second concert – Dean Lewis with Amy. Not too shabby for a 14 year old.
Bogan Carlton Jewish Princess
You really got right into the footy this year, as did I. You followed Carlton on socials, asked dad to take you to any game he could and got right into the bogan Aussie footy spirit. Your professional career dream at the moment is to be a Physio for the Carlton team…oh, and to marry a footy player! Let’s see if any of those dreams turn into reality.
A Turning of the Tides
It’s only been one year around the sun, but it’s been millions of galaxies of developing and growing. It’s colloquialisms that include ‘slay’ and ‘queen’. It’s increased disdain of the clothes I wear and the horrified shock that I dare be present in the kitchen at the same time as you when you want to create content showing your breakfast smoothie bowl. It’s your favourite foods like yellow cling peaches and Fish Bowl take away and words of contempt at most of the daily dinners I make, which you usually proceed to eat with gusto.
It’s maturing and thinking about yourself (every so slightly) less, which manifests itself in the way you help around the house a little more, (very occasionally) apologise for something you know is wrong and suddenly talk a little nicer to your brother and your parents. Fourteen knows how to spit out words with venom that cut deep, but you also know how to apologise and mean it. At fourteen I feel like you need me more than ever before, but you will also never admit such a need. You are responsible and feel ready to take on the world, but you still have so so much to learn. You are planning everything for your future but need me to make you a snack plate after school. You are a firecracker constantly on the verge of explosion….and I never know if it will be an explosion of stunning fire-lit glows or an offensive noise so strong it will scare the living shit out of me.
I know it’s been hard to be fourteen. And I also know it’s been pretty awesome to be fourteen.
Happy fifteenth birthday Evie Peevie.
A Fifteenth Birthday Interview
- Who is your best friend? Amy
- What is your favourite subject at school? Science
- What is your favourite colour? Navy, dark red and light pink
- What is your favourite food? Juices
- What meal would you cook for a family dinner? I wouldnt
- What do you want to do when you finish school? Physio
- What makes you happy? Dance, family and friends
- What makes you irritated? You (mum)…only sometimes
- What country would you like to visit on holiday and why? Europe because it has good shopping and good places and that is my dream destination
- If you could only go on holiday with only one make up item or skincare what would it be? Cleanser
- What would you like to change/achieve in your life during your 15th year of being in this world? I would like to change the way I approach things with a more open mind
- What is something you would never be caught dead wearing? Anything you own (mum)
- What is something that your parents have taught you? To give everything your all
- What is the worst thing your parents make you do? Worst thing u do is managing my study like can u actually stop. All it does is unmotivate me and if I’m old enough to be doing exams then I’m old enough to manage when I study. Also the whole point of doing exams now is to prepare for VCE and you’re not managing my study in vce so don’t manage it now.
- What is a favourite memory of the past year of being 14? Spending time with different people
- What is a bad memory of the past year of being 14? Everything with my friends at the start of the year If you had three wishes, what would they be?
- More wishes
- To be able to spend unlimited time with all my friends
- Go to Europe
- What is something you are really good at? Doing hair slick backs
- What is your dad good at? Always making an effort with the fam
- What is your mum good at? Keeping track of everything in the diary
- What is Jake good at? Basketball
- What’s your most treasured possession? All the jewellery I got for my birthday
- If you could turn back time, what would you change in your life? Nothing
- If I gave you $100 now, what would you buy (you have to spend it)? A Bydee bikini
- What are you most looking forward to when we visit Israel? To see the fam
- Which subject do you think is going to be your best end of year exam result? Science
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