When my children were little, we frequented playgrounds a lot. A great app was available, where if one spotted something broken in a playground, you could simply snap a photo, send it to the local council and they would solve it (usually). For someone like me, who has a kindred spirit relationship with exel spreadsheets, this was an app I could fall in love with. A way to organise my world and when a problem arose, there was a logical process to get it fixed.

Fast forward a number of years and Snap has taken on a new meaning as the parent of a teenager, aka Snapchat. This different type of Snap involves a whole world that belongs to Evie , a world I am never really allowed a glimpse of, even from afar. For me, the biggest difference with this Snap app is that it is missing the critical part where life’s problems get solved. For my nature is one that seeks to solve and when it comes to raising a teenage daughter, I seem to get reminded everyday that unfortunately there is no “solve” part of this job.

I get that I am not meant to be involved in solving. I get that I am often not meant to be involved at all! But it’s bloody hard. It’s hard to know when to let the problem go unsolved. When to mind my own business or when to step in and (try to) gently guide without being over bearing. And the truth of the matter is that I often fuk it up. For today’s solution might be tomorrow’s problem, which like the unpredictable Melbourne weather, comes with no reliable forecast.

Oh I was warned that there was no manual for these tumultuous times. I was told that these days would be some of the hardest parenting moments of my life. And in between my zillion moments questioning everything I do, I have this underlying fear that I will stuff it up. My vulnerable truth is that I don’t have a close relationship with my mother. And I am scared shitless that the same will happen with me and Evie. So whilst I know that the roller coast of parent-teen life is completely normal, I prey and hope that Evie and I make it through to the other side (mostly) unscathed and have a strong bond for years to come.

It’s been a really hard final tween year. A combination of lingering covid lockdown fatigue and dealing with the mental insanity and PTSD that we all experienced these past two years has made the pre-teen season an especially hard one. My Spotify has streamed countless parenting podcasts, my pillow has been soaked with my tears of frustration and helplessness, and my mind has been like a constant pendulum, trying to find the balance between sticking to boundaries and learning when to bite my tongue and lose a battle that is not worth winning. I have taken a number of wrong turns and found myself in horribly unfamiliar territory, with no parenting maps to show me the way through. But sometimes new paths have been forged, such as the happy medium we seemed to reach when we stopped asking you to put your phone out your room at night and rather gave you the responsibility of putting it away at a decent hour of the night.

But in the past 12 months between the ages of twelve and thirteen, there have been infrequent feelings of lightness and heartfelt moments of parent wonder. My memory bank includes the time Evie came home from a glamorous OTT bar mitzvah and bubbled with excitement as she willingly shared details of the night. I easily recall the overwhelming sense of pride I felt when Evie got up on the bimah at Ark shul and gave a dvar torah for her bat mitzvah, speaking words from her heart. The fleeting bursts of pleasure I feel when she comes to my dark room to kiss me goodnight and say I love you, which is exactly the much needed antidote to my often-bruised heart.  And luckily I have the teen parenting memes on Instagram to keep me sane and provide a soothing effect via black humour.

I know as much as Evie pushes me away, she wants to pull me in even more. I know this because of the way her eyes meet mine in the rear view mirror. I know this when I see her search for me in the audience whilst dancing on stage. I know this because despite the daily wars, despite the angst and the heart ache and the ying yang relationship we have, I know that her heart beats with mine. I am learning to let her go. I am learning to still hold on, but only when she needs me or wants me, which is like learning to drive a car with a blindfold on. I am learning that my words and my actions do hold a place in her head and her heart, even if her response says otherwise.

I am so ready and also so unready for the official start of these teenage years. I am going to fumble and fall more than I would like and in doing so, I will be a human mother. I want to teach Evie that it’s ok to make mistakes. That it’s ok to say I am sorry and I love you in the same breath. That it is ok to care and feel because that makes you alive. And with Evie, I have never felt more alive and more in love.

In pulling together photos of the past year of Evie’s life, I have been astounded to think some of these moments were less than 12 months ago. It’s been an eternity of days, weeks, months and years of Evie that have been drip fed to me, and now suddenly the cup is full and she is no longer child, yet still so very child.

Evie, your life is unfolding at great speed as you hurtle through so many physical and mental changes. I hope you occasionally stop to pause and notice. I know this is hard with your head buried in a phone and a million synapses zapping through your adolescent developing brain. So that’s why I write these blog posts. For me and for you. And I hope that one day, in a future still quite a while away, that we can read this blog post together. And laugh and cry and reminisce at who we both once were.

What I remember from when you were 12 years old

You first (official) job

Evie you have developed a taste for the finer things in life, which makes it hard when your earning capacity is pretty much non existent. You were pretty resourceful in May this year (with some help from your dad) in finding a job that was not illegal given you are still underage, and actually paid pretty damn well. This involved letter box drops of catalogues and flyers. Over a few days, you set off with my granny shopping trolley and deposited this junk mail in neighbourhood post boxes. The company had an app to track your movements, and despite you not completing the job, you received $63.39. The company contacted you again to ask you to take part in a second round of letter box drops, but you decided once was enough as it was too boring! I think you may find out that this was certainly not your last job to be boring. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you have many boring jobs ahead of you.

The final bike ride

A few weeks after your 12th birthday our family went away for a much needed end of year break to Metung. Dad and I naively thought if were bring your bike along with the rest of ours you would join in the fun. On the only day we went bike riding,  you asked to stay in the cabin with Cino but stupidly we insisted. Well, that turned out to be a disaster. It was so hot, you had no water, daddy and Jake rode off, and I was left having to cycle at snails pace next to you…..actually that’s not fair to a snail as you were much slower! I made you a promise that day that you would never again be forced to ride a bike (at least not by your family) and we promptly sold your bike as soon as we got home from our holiday. As a side note, I did have a giggle that this year on your birthday you are being forced by school (TG it’s not us) to take part in a bike ride to the city. Not your idea of birthday fun, but you just never …maybe you might just love it.

You got the jab

For the second year, your birthday blog gets a mention of Covid, as the significance of this life event has unfortunately not paled in comparison to all your other moments of being twelve. This was the year you became eligible to get the covid vaccine. I would love to gaze into a future crystal ball to one day when you are reading this blog post to your grand children. What will you tell them about this momentous time of your life and the whole world? Will you have vivid negative memories of lockdowns and life angst? Or will it simply be a blip on your life’s radar?

Seconds (get with the lingo)

For your 11th birthday, you got your ears pierced. And for your 12th, you wanted ‘seconds’. I pretended like I knew exactly what you were talking about when you asked for it, but in truth it took me a while to work out it meant a second piercing. Using some of your bat mitzvah gifts, we headed back to the Piercing Urge studio in Prahran, where the lovely tattoo-covered staff with more holes in their body than a sieve, gave you your seconds.

Braces

I think you haven’t quite had the rite of passage to becoming a teenager if you don’t get braces. So we stumped up quite a few thousand dollars this year to help straighten your ever-so-slightly crooked teeth. This did mean that many-a-photo you have refused to show your beautiful metal-filled smile, but occasionally we have had a glimpse.

Passion for fashion

It has been building for a while, but I can confidently say that over the last year you have developed a very normal teenager obsession with fashion. This involves weekends with friends hanging out at Chadstone, way too much time every day getting ready for school, going out, in fact anywhere, and of course the ‘I-have-to-have-it’ cry of desire for the latest trends and brands. Your style and fashion sense is evolving. It started off this year with the latest Poppy Lissman bag, followed by oversized jumpers that seem to be sticking around for a while. Luckily you have a very generous nanny who is willing to buy you outrageously overpriced Lululemon shorts and pretty much whatever your heart desires. But I am impressed with you Evie. For whilst you no doubt have countless online shopping carts filled to the brim at any one time, you are thoughtful and measured in your choices and take pride in what you wear and how you look.

Why use a cupboard when you have a floor

I think I would almost be worried if your room wasn’t constantly messy, I mean isn’t that another passage of rite in becoming a teenager? I am rather grateful when I hear stories from other parents of mouldy food, wet towels and much more being left to die a slow death in a teenager’s room, as you have not stopped to that level….yet! When I ask you to tidy, the excuses you have used have been quite creative, such as “I may as well leave it in the floor as there is no point in putting away if I am wearing it again” or “I have tidied my room” being a euphemism for showing everything into one corner.

Volunteering your time

During your bat mitzvah year, you learned a lot about tzedakah. I think it is tricky as a teenager to think about giving to others as by nature, the stage of life you are at is generally much more self-centred. I try my best to teach you about kindness and giving to others. I have tried to teach you that giving can come in many formats, whether that be something tangible such as money, or something intangible such as time. In May this year, you and I volunteered to deliver kosher meals to Jewish people who were unable to shop or cook for themselves, whether that be because they were unwell, elderly or many other reasons that negatively impact a person’s daily activities of living. I think (I hope) it left an impression on you, especially when you saw the look of gratitude in the recipients eyes and we discussed how for some of these people, our interaction with them may be the only human contact they had that day. Evie, I know I say to you over and over that one of the most important life goals you could achieve is to be kind in every day interactions with strangers, as well as people you know. It is far more important than achieving material success, being clever, rich or famous.

Your love for……Cino

Cino has turned five just a couple of weeks before you turned thirteen. He is like an antiseptic soothing antidote to your hormonal teenage feelings that roller coast through your daily life. There have been many a day this past year where you and I have had a fight and I find you afterwards in the play room or on Cinos mat cuddling him. He is so good for you Evie, and you for him. Although instead of trying to buy him overpriced toys that he destroys in a few minutes, I think you should rather take him on more walks!

Your love for……dance

It’s been ten years since you first started dancing and phew, what a year of dance it has been….and what a year of being a dance mum! This was the first year you started doing Saturday classes, which was so worthwhile not only because you love it, but because it is also a far healthier option than spending that time scrolling through social media or being attached to a device. It was also the year you did the Scimm contemporary program, plus plenty solo competitions. And a momentous achievement this year was receiving your first pair of pointe shoes!

Evie, you are so lucky to have found your ‘thing’ that you love with such determination. The way your body radiates happiness when you are dancing on stage is something I will remember forever. Just a few nights before your 13th birthday, you were awarded the senior top student award at your final Kim factor School of Dance concert. No keyboard letters can quite say the words to describe how proud I was of you in that moment. You are so dedicated to your passion and most importantly you are a quiet achiever who always displays humility and grace. So worth it being YOUR dance mum.

Your love for……extended family

At a stage of life when many of your contemporaries prefer to spend their days with friends, you often choose to spend time with your cousins. I had to really work hard to convince you to go to Habo camp in December as there will be a few overlapping days when Abbie and Yonni and Eitan are visiting. I have often thought what an amazing big sister you would be if Daddy and I had another child (that is a story for another time), but seeing you interact with your baby cousins is a pretty good alternative.

Your love for……grandparents

By the time I was your age, I only had two grandparents alive and one would soon pass away (when I turned 14). How wonderful that you have all your grandparents alive, and you are especially close with your Nanny and your Pops. Both of them would move heaven and earth for you and have many a time (especially Nanny given she lives locally) dropped whatever they are doing to help you out, such as a lift to extra dancing.

I have written about your exceptional relationship with Pops on many previous birthday blog posts. The way you run to hug him when he arrives in Melbourne, and the way you hold his hand or let him tickle you so he hears your laugh….one of his favourite sounds in the world.

Evie, with your wise ways of the world, you have realised that Pops is ageing quite quickly. I think you see it when he visits us every few months. We know there will come a time when he leaves us in this world and I know you will miss him terribly, as will I. But you have so many fulfilling memories with him, from the time you were a teeny weeny baby and he held his first grandchild, to the beautiful woman you have become that he adores with all his heart.

Your love for……your friends

Friendships can be a tough gig to manage being a young teenager. Groups change, relationships break up and all this time there is an underlying desire and pressure to fit in. The next few years will be a time in your life where friendships are of utmost importance and they will also be a big test for you to manage. There will be social and peer pressures, feelings of FOMO, kindness, competitiveness, tenderness, bitchiness and many other ness-es.

This year two of your good friends left Bialik. I know you miss them. Friends will come and leave your life, but they be a core part of your formative years that you will treasure forever and in the process develop connections that will be there for a lifetime.

Thanks for the laughs amidst the tears

There have been far more nights than I would like where either one of us, but more often than not both of us, have gone to bed with tears of frustration, anger, sadness and a whole lot of other emotions added to the mix. But there have been many laughs too and for that I thank-you.

Like the way you communicate with me via emojis and every second word in short hand that I have to decipher…some of your favs being IDK, ILY, WDYM and NVM. I have laughed at some of the stories you have told me with indignation such as when a teacher confiscates your phone and the injustices of the world. And you do make me laugh when you would rather choose death over having to wear a rash vest from Aldi!

Evie, we have made it through the final year of your tweens, both of us a little bruised at times, but bruises always heal. When I reach into my memory bank, what I find there are many moments of goodness. How excited you were to get your new queen size bed. The night we stayed together in the hotel and pretended it was your birthday and they gave us free dessert. Or when I think back to a year ago where you hated wearing make up and would only do it for dance comps…..to the present day where your bathroom drawers is over flowing with way too many mascaras, make up brushes and face masks, and I realise you are changing and developing into the young woman you want to be.

I also remember some of the not-so-pleasant memories with a little less harshness and they now don’t seem as a big deal like they did at the time. You blocking my number when you were pissed off with me, or not rocking up to my nutrition talk that I gave to the rest of your year 7 cohort.  I know the most important aspect of parenting is letting you learn your ways of living life, and allowing you to make mistake along the way. There were a few this year that I think affected you in a way that will ensure the same mistakes are not repeated. Like the time you insisted on leaving your dance class later than usual, and as a result missed your bnei mitzvah ceremony dance at school. Or the online purchase of the so called ‘cheap’ phone cover that turned out to be a dodgy website from some foreign country and they proceeded to charge you a monthly subscription fee, for which you had to call the bank and cancel your debit card. And even today, on your birthday, where you HAD to transfer your old phone to your new phone in a rush and it didn’t work and you were in a tizz before dancing and there were tears of frustration, which as usual were targeted at me as the punching bag for your emotions. You are learning that if you use up most of your phone data in the first half of the month, then the rest of the month needs careful consideration of when and where you watch tiktok videos if there isn’t wifi access.

I think I am learning to let go (but still making plenty of mistakes along the way) of the little things and hopefully embrace more of the changing you and most importantly, let you do it in your way, in your time and in your style – mistakes, successes and everything in between. I want you to know how fiercely I love you. I always have and I always fill. Happy 13th birthday my beautiful Evie. I want to finish with this poem for my dearest most special daughter.

Dearest Daughter,

We clearly do not see eye to eye.

I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand you.

I always imagined I would, you know?

I assumed that my girl would be just like me.

Think like me.

Talk like me.

Act like me.

But you don’t.

You say things that I’d never say out loud.

Do things I’d never dare to do.

And you have beliefs that I’ve never even considered.

You are just so different from me.

And it’s made me realize…

You are not mine.

Nope.

Not mine.

You are all your own.

And you own it!

I’m realizing that I’m not raising another me.

I’m raising a you.

And what a beautiful thing that is.

I’m so in love with every different inch, every different ounce… that makes you all You.

You’re gonna do things I’ve never done.

See things I’ll never see.

Accomplish things I could only dream possible.

You’re going to live a life that’s all yours.

Right now, it’s not easy.

We butt heads. We push buttons. We challenge each other.

But I’m pretty sure, it’s all going to work out perfectly. Because you aren’t going to follow in my footsteps.

You are going to take strides that far surpass my own.

So, Dearest Daughter…

I guess I’m ok with us not seeing eye to eye today, because when you look to tomorrow, I know you’re seeing beyond anything I could ever envision.

You’ve got your sights set on a future that’s more than me.

It’s all You.

And damn, that makes me one proud mama!